


Placebo

by RexxieRoulette



Category: GOT7, Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Graphic Description, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jinyoung is a dick, M/M, Self-Harm, Swearing, seungjin - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-07-28 11:14:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16240478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RexxieRoulette/pseuds/RexxieRoulette
Summary: “Oh is it ok if I sit here?”The grin Hyunjin was wearing was cheeky to say the least, but Seungmin couldn’t simply say no, could he?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Back with more shitty one shots! Woo  
> This time it's Seungjin tho cause Changlix is literally ruining my life and i cant seem to finish my story for them yet. ;-;
> 
> This is now officially a two-shot and WILL NOT be added on to. 
> 
> Sorry in advance!

“Excuse me?”

 

Seungmin felt a finger poke his shoulder lightly. He slowly pulled one of his earphones out, turning his body to inspect the intruder. A tall boy stood before him, dark hair messy, brown eyes wide and sparkling, full lips upturned in a small smile. Seungmin has to angle his head in a slightly weirder range just to see the boy properly. Without replying, he quirks a brow, waiting.

 

The stranger clears his throat, smoothing down his shirt (which wasn’t even rumpled, but whatever) before extending a hand to Seungmin. “My name’s Hyunjin!” His voice was smooth, enunciating every syllable easily. Seungmin stayed silent still, blinking slowly up at the boy – Hyunjin – before shrugging and moving to put his earphone back in to replay the Day6 song he missed from the intrusion.

 

“No wait!” Hyunjin’s hand reaches for Seungmin’s wrist, halting his movements slightly. Seungmin gapes, unsure whether to pull away or blush. Apparently his body chooses the latter since he felt his cheeks heat up. Hyunjin’s grip on Seungmin’s wrist tightens slightly, making the younger wince, flinching back from the tall boy before him. Hyunjin notices his movements, quickly pulling back his hand and raising both in surrender. “I’m sorry! Did I hurt you?” Seungmin rubs his wrist softly, eyeing Hyunjin wearily, before shaking his head slightly. “Oh thank god!” Hyunjin sighs in relief, plopping down in the seat beside Seungmin with a huff. Seungmin blinks at him, watching and waiting. Hyunjin notices him staring and smiles, “Oh is it ok if I sit here?”

 

The grin Hyunjin was wearing was cheeky to say the least, but Seungmin couldn’t simply say _no_ , could he? Thinking back, Seungmin hasn’t said a single word to the other, simply sitting there in silence. It wasn’t completely unheard of for Seungmin to go mute for a day, maybe more – the longest was 6 weeks and it was only after multiple psychiatrist visits that Seungmin finally spoke again. He’d learned at a young age that being a quiet speaker means people tend to not hear you, or just not listen. So he just chose not to talk most days, finding everything merely optional. Even reaching the point where his teachers don’t call on him anymore, as he would simply walk to the front of the class, finish the problem on the board, and head back without a single sound. So his lack of conversation skills with Hyunjin wasn’t what baffled him the most in this exchange.

 

No, it was that Hyunjin had stayed, kept talking, and acting like nothing was really weird about it all.

 

Seungmin sighed at the intruder, unlocking his phone to turn his music down slightly, choosing to keep his earphone out for the time being as Hyunjin rambled on.

 

“I’ve seen you around a bunch, but I never got around to saying hi! So uh, yeah! Here I am. Saying Hi.” Seungmin would’ve laughed at the others blush, but he held back, choosing to stare at him in boredom instead. “Your brother is a senior here, right?” Seungmin stiffens, eyeing the other narrowly. Hyunjin ignored the glare, sucking on his straw from his empty juice pouch.

 

Park Jinyoung. Senior, playboy, king of the school, all around heartthrob that had all the female student body (and at least half of the male student body) at his mercy. Jinyoung was a charismatic, charming, handsome, athletic _prince_ among the peasants of normal high school. If he wanted, he could have everyone bend to his will, in more than one way. He was captain of the swim team, homecoming king, and voted most loved (even though he was voted during his junior year for a title strictly for _seniors_ ). Jinyoung was everything everyone loved.

 

Except to Seungmin.

 

To Seungmin, Jinyoung was a cruel older ~~_step_~~ brother, a tyrant in their household that, more often than not, terrorized the younger endlessly. Jinyoung was the favorite, even at home, so Seungmin learned early to not demand the spotlight – in fear of Jinyoung’s (or his lackeys’) wrath. You see, Seungmin’s mother married Jinyoung’s father when Seungmin was 7, moving them to a different city, a different school, a different life. Not that Seungmin minded the move, he didn’t have many friends back where he grew up, so the prospect of a new place, new people, and a new _cooler_ , older brother had Seungmin more than excited for the future. And at first everything was ok, Jinyoung was protective, albeit a bit demanding sometimes, Seungmin brushed it off as an _older brother thing_ and just went with it. Until one day, when Seungmin was 12, Jinyoung threw a shoe at the back of Seungmin’s head for being late with his food, and the younger had to bite back a whine, Jinyoung’s friends already howling at the youngest’s discomfort. Seungmin figured Jinyoungie was just having a bad day, and brushed it off, ignoring the alarm bells in his head ringing loud. His older brother wouldn’t make a habit of that, right?

 

Wrong.

 

It seemed that after that fateful day, Jinyoung – and his friends – deemed it absolutely necessary to bother, tease, and push around the younger every chance they got. If Seungmin got appraisal from his mother or step-father, Jinyoung would slap Seungmin’s forearm or calf with a ruler until it bruised, then he would stop. Sometimes he didn’t. If Seungmin back talked even the slightest, or tried to mention the constant abuse to his mother, Jinyoung would hold his arm behind his back at a painful angle, hand over his mouth to muffle the whines and cries of pain. So Seungmin adapted, learned and hid from the spotlight, hid from positivity and happiness, finding comfort in loud music and notebooks, his scratching writing at 3am the only thing keeping him calm most nights.

 

But alas, Seungmin wasn’t free everywhere he went. Since Jinyoung was merely 2 years older, they’d both attend the same school for the better half of their now joined lives, at least until Jinyoung heads off to college and lets Seungmin breathe. Because they were step brothers though, not many people knew about their relation, assuming the poor sophomore was merely a victim of Jinyoung’s bullying. That is, until someone found out and told the school.

 

Jinyoung received backlash for treating his baby brother so harshly, but being the manipulative ass he was, Jinyoung smiled and convinced everyone that they were just messing around, that Seungmin _wanted_ to be pushed into the lockers on a daily basis, that Jinyoung was showing how much he cared for the younger by wrapping his long fingers around Seungmin’s slender wrist and squeezing. The general consensus was swayed, and people gained more courage to approach the younger in attempts to get close to Jinyoung.

 

‘ _Like talking to me will get them anywhere good.’_ Seungmin thinks to himself as he dips a dry french fry in his ketchup, before plopping it in his mouth quickly. He watched Hyunjin squirm slightly under his watchful gaze, eyes never landing on his own but never staying on one single target either. Seungmin would laugh and say he looks rather sketchy, like he’s in the middle of a big drug deal and could be caught by the cops in due time. Seungmin decided to stray from his muted tendencies, huffing out a sigh before stating, “Yeah, Jinyoung is my brother, why?”

 

Hyunjin seemed to startle at the sound of Seungmin’s voice, unsure whether he’d heard correctly or not, he stared at the younger, blinking slowly. Before a grin so wide it looked painful cut across Hyunjin’s pretty face. “You do talk! I knew it!” Seungmin didn’t answer, but Hyunjin beamed at him from where he sat. “Everyone said you were a mute.” Hyunjin stated matter-o-factly, smiling bright. “But I just proved them wrong!”

 

“Everyone?” Seungmin asked, glancing around to see if this was a practical joke or not. But everyone seemed to be in their own little world – chatting and eating with friends.

 

“Well, not _everyone_. Just my friends.” Hyunjin says, turning slightly to wave at a small table holding 4 rambunctious teenage boys, horsing around and howling loud. One with orangeish-blonde hair spots Hyunjin waving, elbowing another before waving back, big smile on his face. Hyunjin turns back to face Seungmin, grinning from ear to ear. “Do you want to come sit with us?”

 

“Why?”

 

Hyunjin’s smile falters, but something akin to determination sets in his features. “Cause you’re sitting alone, at lunch, and I was extending a warm welcome from my friends and I.” Hyunjin states, folding his long arms over his chest, puffing it out slightly. “You’re so grumpy.”

 

“And you’re annoying.”

 

Hyunjin’s mouth dropped at Seungmin’s words, eyes narrowing as his face reddened. “I am not!” Seungmin watched as the other scoffed, turned his face away in a pout and sat there. He looked so childish, pouting on the opposite side of the table from Seungmin, but he couldn’t stop himself from bursting out in giggles. It was so abrupt, and seemingly random, but Seungmin couldn’t stop laughing, eyes closed and stomach muscles clenching from the abuse. But he just couldn’t stop. Even when Hyunjin began chuckling from where he sat, smiling at the laughing boy across from him.

 

When Seungmin finally calmed down enough to breathe properly, he downed his water bottle quickly and began packing up his stuff. Hyunjin noticed him doing so and quickly stood, hands out and eyes wide. “Where are you going? You can’t leave! You have said like 4 words to me!”

 

“You asked me to come with you and your friends…?” Hyunjin’s jaw dropped, before he snapped it shut with an audible _click_.

 

“Oh right.” Seungmin would’ve laughed again at the doe-eyed boy, but decided against it as he continued putting his stuff away and motioned for Hyunjin to move. “Oh, shit yeah lets go.”

 

They made their way across the cafeteria quickly, weaving in and out the crowds lingering. It was the second half of the lunch period, many students done with their food and just sticking around to mingle and chit chat. Seungmin would normally be out of the giant cacophony by now, had Hyunjin not sat down beside him, but alas, here he was, waltzing up to a table full of rowdy teenage boys and already regretting his decision.

 

“Holy shit you actually got him to come sit with us!” As soon as they were in earshot, Seungmin heard one of the boys shout, not really at them but in their general direction. Hyunjin didn’t respond, just shot them a cheeky smirk and sat down. Seungmin stood to the side, standing awkwardly behind Hyunjin as he waited, for what? He didn’t quite know.

 

“Why aren’t you sitting down man?” Another boy asked. Seungmin looked at the one who talked, taking in his appearance slowly. He had short black hair, dark brown eyes and raspy deeper voice, not as deep as the first person that talked to the pair that arrived at the table late, but definitely deeper than most. He had his arm draped over the shoulders of the super deep voiced boy, both unnaturally close to one another. It made Seungmin a little uncomfortable, due highly to Jinyoung always calling him names whenever he showed interest in boys growing up. He never liked PDA either, opting for rather subtle approaches at romance, but none ever seemed to work out. Shaking his head from the thoughts, Seungmin shrugged his shoulder at the question asked of him, simply standing and staring.

 

“Are you back to not talking now?” It was Hyunjin who spoke now. Seungmin couldn’t see his face, but he could hear the smile in his words. He could’ve smacked the other upside the head if he wanted, but chose to remain silent and standing still, glancing around in boredom. Hyunjin turned in his seat quickly, grasping Seungmin’s hands in his own (how was Hyunjin’s hands so freaking big?) and pulled him down slightly. “Come on! You were talking to me over there! Why aren’t you talking now?”

 

“Are you sure he was even talking man? You could just be delusional.” Another boy piped up, this one taller and older looking – probably as old as Jinyoung from the looks of it.

 

“No! I’m not lying~ He was talking.” Hyunjin squeezed his hands tight, pulling him down more. He spoke quieter then, Seungmin was unsure if the others could actually hear what he said or not. “Please talk? For me?” When Seungmin pulled back to regain his composure Hyunjin was staring up at him with huge puppy dog eyes. The look and proximity was sending Seungmin’s head into a foggy haze, not used to so much interaction, but was surprisingly not against it when it came to Hyunjin doing it.

 

With a low groan, Seungmin cleared his throat. “Uh, hi?” He awkwardly waved, all but pulling his hands from Hyunjin’s tight grip. There was a collective jaw drop around the table as they blinked, stunned at the younger’s sudden voice. “My name is Kim Seungmin.” He bowed slightly, back tense and legs stiff.

 

The momentary shock wore off quicker on some than on others, the orangeish-blonde haired boy speaking first. “Wait, you’re _Park_ Jingyoung’s younger brother, right?” Seungmin shrugged, but nodded. “If that’s true, why isn’t your name _Park_ Seungmin?” The boy yelped when the boy sitting beside him elbowed his ribs quickly, shooting an apologetic smile to Seungmin.

 

“Ignore Felix. He doesn’t have a filter most days.” The dark haired boy with the raspy voice spoke, snarling teasingly at the boy beside him – Felix – before quickly adding, “My name is Seo Changbin by the way.” He stiffly shot a half salute, half finger gun at Seungmin before cooing at Felix beside him. Seungmin nodded at his direction in greeting, eyes wandering the table slowly.

 

“Wait!” Hyunjin spoke up then, huffing out a sigh. “You never told me your name.” He glared over his shoulder, rolling his eyes when Seungmin stared unblinking. “You’re so infuriating!” Hyunjin threw his arms up, plastering them on the table before dropping his head to lay on them.

 

“I’m curious too though. Why don’t you have the same name?” A new voice spoke now, startling Seungmin from his daze staring at Hyunjin. Shaking his head lightly, he peeled his gaze from the pouting boy in front of him to another boy sitting directly beside Hyunjin. He was short, but had a multitude of colors splashed throughout his hair, some strands a dark green, others orangey-blonde, some light brown. It was like looking through a kaleidoscope while looking at his head, except without the dizzying vision afterwards.

 

“We’re step brothers.” Seungmin stated, folding his arms over his chest tightly, eyes shying away from those at the table. He noticed Hyunjin’s back stiffen at the information, but the boy remained silent, shoulders squared. “My mother married his father when I was 7. I kept my fathers last name while my mother took the new name.” His voice wasn’t angry, at least not outwardly, it was more internal loathing towards his mother for unknowingly bringing him into his own personal hell. But he couldn’t blame her, she just wanted to be happy.

 

“So _that’s_ why you guys look nothing alike.” The older boy with the resting bitch face stated coolly, picking his nails and rolling his eyes. Seungmin would’ve been angry, or even remotely hurt, had he not been _thankful_ for looking nothing like Jinyoung.

 

“Minho!” Seungmin’s attention snapped to the boy who asked earlier, with the myriad of hues in his hair. His gaze snapped to Seungmin’s quickly, expression sheepish as he ducked lowly. “Please don’t let Minho’s words hurt your feelings. He’s a bit of an ass sometimes.” The boy was glaring at the other now, while the older one – Minho – simply stared back, then he winked and laughed when the other boy flustered instantly.

 

“What’s wrong my Jisungie? I didn’t say anything _offens_ _ive_.” Minho drawled, voice like velvet that washed over the others in a rush. Seungmin could confidently say he found Minho attractive, but his personality messed with his head far too much to consider anything other than blatant attraction. So he sighed, rubbing his temple slowly. “I simply stated he didn’t look like his _step_ brother. It isn’t a crime. I didn’t say he on the lower scale of attractiveness due to this revelation though.” Seungmin caught how Minho’s voice dropped an octave, eyes narrowing in his direction.

 

Seungmin knew he was basically calling Seungmin unattractive, and though it stung, Seungmin steeled his features and set his mouth in a thin line.

 

“That’s enough Minho! What is wrong with you today?” Hyunjin shrieked, throwing a piece of bread at the older. Seungmin couldn’t see his face, but from how his shoulders moved up and down rapidly, he figured the boy before him was riled up. For what? Seungmin didn’t know. Nor did he truly care. So with one sparing glance at the older, grimacing at the grin on Minho’s face.

 

Seungmin turned on his heel, his sneakers making a small _squeak_ as he left the cafeteria, ignoring the calls from behind him as he walked away.

 

__

 

Weeks had passed since Hyunjin sat beside Seungmin that day in the cafeteria, and Seungmin had successfully avoided the other like the plague. Going to school as late as he possibly could, being the first up and out of every class and leaving as soon as the last bell rang signaling the end of the school day. He’d ran into the others at random times, the only one not trying to make idle conversation or pester him about avoiding Hyunjin was Changbin, which was a thankful reprieve for the younger.

 

It’s not that Seungmin hated the group, far from it actually. He felt alive around them, engaging and (dare he say it?) happy. But the fleeting moment passed in the wind when they sat idly by and let Minho dish out cruel remarks. The comments themselves weren’t harsh or anything as bad as Jinyoung would say to the younger, but it was the fact that no one tried to stop the older – who was their friend – or really tried to change his perspective. So Seungmin decided he didn’t need people like that in his life, chalked up the whole interaction as a mistake, and moved on.

 

Or at least he tried.

 

He was washing his hands in the 3rd floor boys restroom when he heard the door close loud, the heavy metal slamming against the measly door frame with an echoing _thunk_. Seungmin ignored the newcomer, choosing to hasten his duty and head back to class before his teacher found even more to scream at him for.

 

But then he glanced up in the mirror.

 

And saw Hyunjin behind him.

 

Considering the proximity, the weeks of not seeing the older, and the sudden anxiety spike, it was completely reasonable that Seungmin yelped. Spinning on his heel, he leaned back against the sink, eyeing Hyunjin wearily.

 

“Why have you been avoiding me?” Hyunjin’s voice was low, quiet like it would disturb even the slightest of dust, like he was scared Seungmin would bolt if he talked too loud or too quick. Seungmin chose not to answer, simply shrugging before shifting to lean more comfortably against the sink. Hyunjin sighed, running a hand over his face slowly. “Are you back to not talking to me again?” He took a step forward and instantly held his hands up when Seungmin winced back, pushing his lower back painfully against the porcelain. “Sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you. I just-” Hyunjin ran a hand through his hair, messing it up but not making it look any less attractive. “-Can we just start over?” Seungmin sighed, pushing himself off the sink to lean against the wall beside it, eyeing the older. “Look I’m sorry. About Minho, about what he said. He’s been on edge lately because Jisung has been spending a lot of time with Jeongin.” Seungmin stared blankly, not really understanding but not really caring either. “You probably don’t care about that, but yeah. I talked to him about it, and he said he would apologize to you if he saw you again.”

 

Hyunjin stepped forward again, hands up and palms towards the younger, eyeing him as he moved. Seungmin flinched back, but stayed still, ignoring the bubbling anxiety in his chest and the panic raising quickly. He was in a deserted restroom, _alone_ , with Hwang Hyunjin of all people. How could he not be panicking?

 

“I’m not going to hurt you. I just want to talk.” Hyunjin quirked a brow, watching as Seungmin swallowed more words down his throat.

 

Clearing his throat and swallowing around the lump in his throat, Seungmin finally spoke. “What do you want Hyunjin?”

 

The look of relief was so evident washing over Hyunjin’s features as he heard Seungmin speak. “God, finally. You really are stubborn dude.” Hyunjin chuckled, rubbing his hands over his face before grinning wide at the younger. “Can we start over? Please? I’d really like to be your friend.”

 

Seungmin blanked. How the hell was he respond to _that_? No one, not in his 16 years of living, not in the 9 years he’d resided in his personal hell, did anyone actually _want_ to be friends with Seungmin. So he was at a loss, unsure whether to talk, whether to agree? Whether to simply nod or say no? What _good_ could come out of being friends with Seungmin though?

 

“Why?”

 

Hyunjin’s grin faltered, eyes widening before he let out a breathy chuckle, seemingly trying to dissipate the tension in the air. “Why not? You’re cool from what I could tell. Is it that weird?”

 

“Very.”

 

“Can you please respond in more than one word answers?”

 

“Maybe.”

 

Hyunjin groaned, slapping a palm to his forehead in desperation. “ _God_. Can you stop with the whole ‘no one likes me, I’m a loner’ crap? I’m _trying_ to be your friend dammit! Why can’t you try also?”

 

Seungmin flinched, taken aback by the sudden shouting from Hyunjin. Why was Hyunjin trying so hard? It baffled the younger immensely that someone was even talking to him with his lack of responses. The only people that bugged Seungmin before were trying – and failing he might add – to get close to Jinyoung. So he got defensive whenever someone new came around, acting nice and being friendly. It was like a reoccurring wound being opened. He’d meet someone, became friends, hang out, try to ignore his minor crushes on them, and then before he knew it, they were all over Jinyoung and leaving him in the dust. So he had reason to be cautious when it came to meeting new friends, especially since Hyunjin had asked about Jinyoung on that first day.

 

But Seungmin was also _tired_. Tired of trying so hard to be closed off, tired of lonely lunches and no one to talk to, tired of feeling like the weight of the world was on his shoulders and he had no one to help cushion the burden. He didn’t know if he could handle the pain of losing someone else – not to Jinyoung, not to himself, not to anything. He’d lost so much, he didn’t know if he could truly let another person in.

 

But Hyunjin seemed different. Hyunjin _felt_ different. Secure, trusting, open, caring. He seemed like the cool summer breeze on a warm day, like the sugar in cookies and the icing on cake. Hyunjin seemed more real and there than anyone had previously, and that alone scared the crap out of Seungmin. Feeling his heart break on more than one occasion was painful, to say the least, but to possibly go through the heart break of losing someone as pure and beautiful as Hyunjin?

 

Seungmin would surely not survive.

 

But he knew he couldn’t resist the pull, the eye crinkling smile shining bright before him, the extended hand of refuge. He couldn’t even begin to tell his mind no, to forbid his body from moving on its own accord, but when had Seungmin ever been in control of his actions?

 

Seungmin reached out and grasped Hyunjin’s hand in his.

 

In a voice so small it made no echo off the tiled walls, Seungmin simply said, “Ok.” Before squeezing his fingers slightly, and bolting from the room.

 

__

 

Weeks passed and Seungmin and Hyunjin had become inseparable. Always together in the halls, before and after class, sitting side by side in the cafeteria alongside ~~_Hyunjin’s_~~ their friends, laughing and joking and enjoying life. And Seungmin was doing just that, enjoying life. Since he’d taken the leap and dove headfirst into a friendship so wild and untamed as the one he had with Hyunjin, Seungmin had been feeling (dare he say it?) _happier_. He smiled more, he ate more, he _talked_ more. His mother noticed, but said very little, and when Jinyoung made a comment about his _new gay boyfriend_ , Seungmin decided against correcting him and went with it. Who was Jinyoung to know that the two boys were simply _just friends?_

 

Not that Seungmin wanted to be just friends. But he chose the safer path, the less painful route of bad dick jokes, awkward sleepovers and talks of firsts – first kisses, first crushes, first base? - and no one batted an eye when Seungmin didn’t participate, further strengthening his respect for the 5 boys he now called friends. They didn’t question his panic attacks, his random bouts of bad anxiety too strong he couldn’t even _think_ of going into the cafeteria, his random outbursts of self-loathing and self deprecation. They stayed by his side through it all. He’d chosen to stay on the path of friendship, of pure and simple respect and love for one another, _platonically_.

 

Except his heart had other ideas apparently.

 

It wasn’t long after they’d officially become friends that Seungmin felt something stirring deep inside, a hunger and need that Hyunjin and only Hyunjin could sate. He was thirsty for his presence, for his arm to sling over Seungmin’s shoulder and squeeze, for his fingers to ghost along his ribs as he tickled the younger into a laughing mess. He became dependent on Hyunjin’s soothing voice to calm his nerves, to bring him down from his high of almost panic attacks, to lull his over worked mind into a restless slumber with a few simple words. It _terrified_ Seungmin just how much he clung to the older, but from what he could tell, Hyunjin didn’t seem to mind. The others seemed to notice it too and didn’t think twice about walking away when Hyunjin shot them a knowing glance.

 

It may have been a few short weeks since they’d really gotten to know each other, but the love and adoration Seungmin held for the older was vast and expanding, filling his very being with purpose, with fighting spirit and a _reason_.

 

But he couldn’t act on his hearts desires.

 

Because Seungmin couldn’t bear the lose Hyunjin, not now, not ever.

 

__

 

“Minnie?”

 

Seungmin hummed, head hanging off Hyunjin’s bed as he tried to mentally uptalk himself back into doing his homework.

 

“Can I ask you something?” Seungmin groaned as he shifted, moving his weight to the side as he rolled into and on top of Hyunjin’s lap, plopping his head on Hyunjin’s thighs. Hyunjin giggled, but didn’t question, simply raking his fingers through the youngers soft hair before starting again. “Do you think it’s weird?” Seungmin’s attention perked up, but his body stayed still. Hyunjin took a visible deep breath before adding, “A guy to like another guy?”

 

Seungmin stiffened, body rigid as he stared up at his best friend. Did he know? About Seungmin? About what was _so wrong_ with him that his older brother continued to beat him for being? Seungmin felt his chest clench hard, air ways tightening as his vision went spotty. Panic was raising, and it was coming quick. Seungmin sat up instantly, head pounding and spinning at the same time. He was scarcely aware of Hyunjin’s voice, asking what was wrong and if he was ok, but his ears felt like they were bleeding – aching and everything muffled, heard only from a distance but he couldn’t make out true words. He was full blown panicking at that moment, unsure of where he was, what he was doing, or who he was anymore.

 

_Filthy faggot!_

 

_You’re nothing but a stupid homo child!_

 

_I’d rather be dead than be brothers with a fag._

 

Jinyoung’s voice rang loud and clear through his mind, piercing his ears and plunging a steak in his chest, filling his bones with saw dust and pain. He grasped his hands to his head, yanking hair in all directions and trying to scream, but when he opened his mouth, the only sound to leave was a strangled sob and whimpers.

 

_Who would love a monster like you?_

 

_Look, even your dad left when he found out you were an abomination!_

 

Hot tears were burning his cheeks, breathing so rapidly he was becoming lightheaded and very dizzy. Seungmin tried to stand, to leave, to flee from the clutches of his worst enemy, but when he took one step, he looked up at the door and saw Jinyoung standing there, that god forsaken sickly smirk pulling his lips to the side, eyes dark as they stared him down. Seungmin flinched back from the doorway, from where his devil stood, whimpering loud. Jinyoung laughed – the sound was comparable to nails on a chalkboard, eerily similar to knives being shoved into his ears. Shaking his head, Seungmin backed away till his back hit something hard, knocking the minuscule breath from his lungs. Hyunjin was to his side, eyes wide and mouth opening and closing as he talked, but Seungmin couldn’t hear a word, couldn’t look away from the deathly glare Jinyoung was shooting his way.

 

“ _What’s wrong baby brother? Scared your_ _precious Hyunjinnie_ _will leave when he finds out you prefer dicks over tits?”_ Jinyoung’s voice was demonic sounding, breaking the muffled silence in the room as Seungmin pushed further into the hard surface behind him.

 

He shook his head once, twice, before slamming his hands to his head with a clenched fist, the pain immediate. Black dots splash across his vision, disfiguring Jinyoung’s perfect posture and stance. Seungmin takes a shallow breathe, shaking his head when he feels hands on his shoulder, narrowly aware he can slightly hear Hyunjin’s voice through the haze.

 

“Seungmin! You need to breathe! Please!” He wasn’t shaking Seungmin, but his fingers dug in where they were sitting on his shoulders, an anchor. “Look at me Minnie. Please.” Seungmin squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head. His eyes burned from crying, chest hurt from the hollow feeling and panic.

 

“ _Look at him Seungmin. He wants you to look at him.”_ Jinyoung called out, a low tone to his voice.

 

“No!” Seungmin cried out, whole body shaking as he flung his body around. “You’re not real! LEAVE ME ALONE!”

 

“Minnie.. Please.” Hyunjin’s voice was so small, so weak against the blood in Seungmin’s ear he’d hardly heard it over the roar. Something pinched in his chest, something cool was on his cheek, his eyes shifted from side to side, still closed but not burning. “Open your eyes.”

 

Seungmin was tired, mentally, physically and emotionally, but he slowly peaked his eyes open, wincing at the bright lights and cringing at the headache blooming in the back of his skull. His breathing was still uneven, heart still racing and mind still a mess, but his eyes landed on Hyunjin’s concerned ones and he could feel the panic leaving slowly.

 

“There you go. Breathe slowly. You’re ok.” Hyunjin’s voice was calming, regardless of his hands shaking and muscles tense. He carded his long fingers through Seungmin’s hair slowly, the younger timing his inhales with the movements. A few tense moments passed before Seungmin took a steady deep breath, body sagging from exhaustion.

 

“I’m sorry..”

 

“For what Minnie?” Hyunjin pouted, fingers still caressing his hair, nails lightly scratching his scalp. The younger let out a content sigh before huffing slightly, cheeks dusted pink.

 

“For uh, l-losing control like that.” Seungmin fidgeted, fingers wringing together before he shoved them between his thighs. “I hope you don’t hate me.”

 

“Hate you? Why would I hate you?” Hyunjin asked, incredulous. He was staring at Seungmin with wide, concerned eyes and the younger shrank under the gaze, uncomfortable and still very anxious.

 

“Because I’m a freak?” He didn’t mean to blurt it out, but he panicked. Before Hyunjin could reply, Seungmin shot out again. “Because I’m stupid, and weird, and _filthy_ and _wrong_.” He felt tears burning at his eyes again and flinched, head pounding again.

 

“Whoa hey, Minnie. Calm down, please?” Hyunjin began the steady fingers through his hair again until the younger relaxed to his touch. “You’re not any of those things, alright? That’s just your mind playing tricks. Everyone has demons, everything has flaws, yours are no stronger, no more defining than mine, or Felix’s or any body elses, alright?” Seungmin sniffled before nodding, chewing on his lower lip.

 

Had he not been in the midst of a mental breakdown, Seungmin would’ve been incredibly shy given the position he and Hyunjin were currently seated in – Seungmin against the wall, legs spread while Hyunjin sat on his shins between the youngers legs, body inches from his own. It wasn’t compromising, but it did awful things to Seungmin’s resolve and already overworked mind, eyes dancing around the beautiful features in front of him before dropping to Hyunjin’s full lips, that were still moving.

 

“-one is a little weird though, don’t ya think?”

 

Seungmin blinked once, twice, before smiling sheepishly at the older, shrugging. “I wasn’t listening?”

 

Hyunjin’s eyes went comically wide before he _giggled_ into his palm, eyes closed and body rocking from the laughs. Seungmin watched for a moment before joining, laughter filling the room quickly. “I _said_ , everyone’s a little weird though, don’t ya think?” Hyunjin repeated, jabbing Seungmin’s shoulder with his finger lightly.

 

Seungmin nodded, clearing his throat and leaning further into the door behind him. Hyunjin blinked before glancing around, mouth forming an ‘o’ shape before pulling back and retreating to the bed. “You ok?”

 

Seungmin shrugged.

 

“Minnie?” Hyunjin cocked his head to the side and his bangs fell into his eyes. With a cute pout, Hyunjin blew at them with a huff, before sighing and moving them with his fingers. “Are you actually ok?”

 

Seungmin shrugged again, before nodding his head slightly. “I’m fine Hyunjin, no need to worry.” His voice sounded raspy, raw and unused, his throat hurt and head was pounding. He hated the idea of going home, of being near Jinyoung more than he had to be, but he didn’t want to stay with Hyunjin anymore and worry the older – especially if he broke down, _again._ “I think it’s time I go home.”

 

Hyunjin stared, blinking slowly. “Did I – I did something wrong, didn’t I?” His voice sounded small, very unlike how boisterous and animated he normally sounded. It hurt Seungmin’s heart to know he caused this tone change.

 

“No, no! It’s not you, it’s just uh.” Seungmin rubbed the back of his neck slowly. “I just want to be alone right now, ok?” It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the truth. He just didn’t want to make Hyunjin worry more.

 

Hyunjin resigned, eyes downcast as he pouted. “I can’t make you stay, but I’d rather you didn’t leave if you’re still upset.”

 

Seungmin stood, dusting off his pants and sighing. “I’m fine Jinnie, I promise.” He began to head for the door when Hyunjin spoke again.

 

“Can you at least tell me what triggered your panic attack?” Seungmin froze, eyes wide as he stared at the door. “So I know for next time and don’t just bring it up?” Hyunjin sounded genuine, much to Seungmin’s dismay. How could he tell him that his episode was triggered by his question? By his step-brothers abuse and the ingrained fear Seungmin held because of what gender he liked and what he found attractive?

 

“It’s fine Jinnie, just don’t worry about it.” And with that Seungmin took off out of the door, down the stairs and out the house.

 

__

 

“Seungmin?”

 

He looked up at his name, pulling his earphones out completely when Changbin was moving into the chair across from him, a smile on his lips as he quickly shut his music off. “What’s up Changbin?”

 

Changbin dumped his bag on the floor beside his chair before leaning back and grinning. “Can’t I come bother my favorite underclassman during study hall?” Seungmin quirked a brow, amused and holding back a retort.

 

“No Felix with you this time?” Seungmin inquired while wrapping his earphones around his phone, his tone teasing.

 

“No, why?” Changbin retorted, crossing his arms and frowning slightly, humor still within his eyes.

 

Seungmin shrugged, “You two are always attached at the hip, so I figured wherever you go, ho goes. Vice versa.” He stifled a laugh when Changbin blushed, sputtering out an excuse about having similar classes constantly.

 

“Anyways!” Changbin huffed, leaning back against his chair with a thud. “I came here to talk to you about something.”

 

Seungmin’s smile dropped slightly, but still curved his lips up a tiny bit. “Which would be?”

 

The older chewed on his lip for a few minutes before finally opting to start with a simple, “Hyunjin told me what happened.”

 

Seungmin tried not to freeze up, but his body went rigid at the words. Chest clenching and body tense, he inhaled slowly, trying and failing to regulate his oxygen. “What, exactly? Did he tell you?”

 

“Relax man, I’m not here to pry or send you into another panic attack.” Changbin’s hands shot up, eyes wide in alarm at Seungmin’s posture. “He just mentioned you had a really nasty episode at his house and you’ve been avoiding him since.”

 

“I haven’t been-”

 

“You have man.” Changbin cut him off, narrowing his eyes. “This is the first time I’ve seen you in almost a week.”

 

“Yeah but-”

 

“No buts dude.” The older reached a hand out, splaying it over Seungmin’s on the desk, squeezing gently. “You know you can talk to us – any and all of us – whenever you need to, right?” Seungmin bit his lip and nodded, eyes downcast. “If you do want to talk, I won’t tell a soul what you say, ok?”

 

Seungmin pondered for a minute before cracking a tiny smile, “Not even Felix?”

 

Changbin barked out a laugh, covering his mouth with his hand to hide it before clearing his throat. “Yes, of course. I won’t even tell Felix.” He placed two fingers over his chest, “Scouts honor!”

 

“Were you even a boy scout?” Seungmin glared slightly, watching as Changbin rubbed the back of his neck.

 

“No but still, the point is there!” He was blushing now, ears bright red, and regardless of how tough and stoic Changbin seems on a daily basis, he’s an incredibly soft person. Their laughter died down soon after. “Seriously though, can you at least tell me what triggered it?”

 

Seungmin sighed, defeated. “Hyunjin asked me if I thought it was weird to like boys.” Something was dripping from his voice and he couldn’t distinguish it clearly – maybe disgust so ingrained into his brain it’s subconscious? Who knows. Shaking his head slightly, Seungmin glanced up when Changbin didn’t answer, eyes wide when he noticed the older was glaring at him now. “What?”

 

“Is there something _wrong_ with a boy liking another boy?”

 

Then it clicked. Maybe telling Changbin – his friend who’s been dating Felix (another boy) for almost 2 years now – about his internalized homophobia wasn’t the best idea? How was he supposed to know though, that his mind worked this way? It was so deeply sewn into his character it was impossible to assume things like that was normal. But Seungmin wasn’t normal, was he? His heart still fluttered when Hyunjin smiled or laughed, heat coursed through his veins when he’d see Hyunjin without a shirt on. Seungmin _knew_ he liked Hyunjin more than _just a friend_ , but he would stifle those thoughts because of what he was told for so long. Seungmin watched as Changbin clenched and unclenched his jaw, eyes blazing with a protective fierceness Seungmin hasn’t seen since Jeongin was getting bullied awhile back.

 

“Well?” Seungmin jumped at his raspy voice, an octave lower than normal – probably from anger maybe?

 

“No! I didn’t mean it like that – I just – I can’t,” Seungmin ran his fingers through his hair and tugged hard, whimpering at the pain. “It came out wrong – I ..”

 

Changbin raised a brow and folded his arms over puffed out chest. Seungmin shrunk further back into his chair. “Then how was it _supposed_ to come out, huh Seungmin?”

 

Panic was raising in his stomach, up his esophagus and filling his body quickly. It was insane how instantaneous his attacks would happen. One minute he’s fine, smiling and happy, the next he’s doubled over, fingers on his chest trying to ease the pain on his heart or dancing through his locks pulling roughly. “I didn’t mean to upset you..” Seungmin’s voice was choppy, hollow sounding and small. “I’m sorry….” He pulled his hair again, to stop the voices or to focus on the pain, he couldn’t tell. Either way, another whimper escaped his chapped lips as he fought back tears. “I’m such a fucking terrible person...” Another harsh tug, another whimper. “So stupid...”

 

Changbin’s hands were on his shoulders, failing to pry his fingers from his scalp. “Seungmin stop!”

 

Tears prickled the backs of his eyes, “I can’t..”

 

“I’m going to call Hyunjin, ok?” Changbin reached for his back pocket, but was stopped halfway by Seungmin’s tight grip.

 

“NO!” He didn’t mean to shout, but he couldn’t see Hyunjin right now. Not after he’d already witnessed one of his episodes. “Please don’t call him..”

 

“Why not Minnie? He calmed you down the last time right?” Changbin tried to counter, still reaching for his phone.

 

“He can’t see me like this again! Please.” Tears burned his cheeks as he pleaded, hands out of his hair and pulling on the olders jacket sleeves roughly. “He already hates me for the first time, please don’t make it worse.”

 

Changbin blinked, confused. “Hate you? He doesn’t hate you Minnie.” Changbin cupped the youngers cheeks in his palms, using his thumbs to brush against his cheek bones slowly. “He’s been nonstop worrying about since your last attack.”

 

Seungmin sniffled. “You’re lying.”

 

Changbin shakes his head before smiling down at the boy. “I’m not Minnie. I swear.” He moved his fingers to his chest again. “Scouts honor, remember?” Seungmin choked on a laugh, sobbing slightly and leaning his head on the olders shoulder, tears flowing freely. Changbin slowly rubbed circles on his back, waiting.

 

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me Binnie..” His voice was muffled from Changbin’s jacket, but the older heard and huffed out a sigh.

 

“Nothing.” Seungmin looked up and blinked at him. “Nothing is wrong with you, ok?” He cupped his cheeks again, thumbs rubbing his cheek bones once more, wiping tears away as well. A few minutes pass, Seungmin’s pulse retreats to a steady thrum in his veins and his headache dulls to an ache that never leaves. “You like him, don’t you?” Seungmin didn’t have to ask to know who, nor did he consider lying when he was basically sitting in Changbin’s lap, the older staring holes into his face.

 

So he closed his eyes tight and nodded.

 

“Then I think you should tell him.”

 


	2. Goodbye Road

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so this is insane guys. THIS IS A CLEAR WARNING TO ANYONE READING.  
> This chapter is bad. Like, it's got indepth talks about  
> -sexual abuse,  
> -rape/non-con,  
> -self harm  
> -suicide
> 
> IF YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE READING ABOUT THAT THEN PLEASE LEAVE.
> 
> Also, just an FYI.  
> I'm not against Bang Chan, Bambam or Jinyoung in any way.  
> Chan is my bias in Stray Kids, and Bambam is a close second to Yugyeom for me in GOT7. I love all these boys so much, individually and as a whole. I'm sorry if the way I portray them is not up to standards with others, but this fit in my story, and I'm the one writing it. So yeah.

“ _Then I think you should tell him.”_

 

Seungmin sighed for the nth time that day, rubbing his nape and squeezing his eyes shut. He was pacing his room, not in panic or anxiety, but in distress. Changbin had talked him down from another attack the other day, but in the midst of his panic fueled brain, Seungmin blurted out that he liked Hyunjin – not that it wasn’t completely obvious but whatever. Changbin seemed to take the information in stride and try to help the younger detangle some of his mucked up thoughts about the whole ordeal.

 

Let’s just say it took awhile and ended with less figured out than when they started.

 

Without delving into too much of Jinyoung’s abuse, Seungmin skirted around the subject of homophobia growing up, of his fathers (both biological and step-fathers) harsh words about the belief and act, to some thoughts and actions ingrained so deep into his being they showed automatically before he could process and stop it. Changbin had looked sick at some of the words used, face pale and eyes blazing, but he kept his anger in check for the younger and Seungmin couldn’t be more thankful. The last thing he needed was to be shunned by his friend for something he can’t really control yet. Changbin didn’t pry, nor did he pressure. But his presence was enough, and it soothed Seungmin nonetheless.

 

But regardless of the work Changbin has been doing to help Seungmin,

 

He’s still avoiding Hyunjin like the plague.

 

Changbin insists he told the other that Seungmin was just going through something at home and needed a break from people – which isn’t entirely incorrect. But Hyunjin had argued about why Changbin got to see the younger and he could not.

 

“But Binnie!”

 

“No Hyunjin.” Changbin crossed his arms, face impassive. “Only I’m allowed to see him is because I won’t _suffocate_ him like you will!”

 

Hyunjin huffed but relented, much to Seungmin’s content, and didn’t pry too much longer into why the younger was missing almost a weeks worth of school.

 

His days were long and boring, spent wholly in his head for long periods of time meant having a safe reprieve from Jinyoung’s comments so that was a plus, but with the lack of really figuring out what’s wrong with him means Seungmin is at a loss. Throwing his body on his bed with a groan, Seungmin buried his face in his pillow and yelled into it.

 

“What’s wrong Minnie?”

 

Seungmin jolted at the voice, panic rising at the intrusion. Peeking an eye past his pillow, Seungmin let out a sigh of relief. Sitting and stretching slightly, he jerked his head at Changbin standing in the doorway. “What’s up Binnie?”

 

Changbin grunted as he strode to the desk, plopping down on the chair in a very (un)graceful manor before pulling out his phone. “Hyunjin sends his regards.”

 

The younger snorted, rolling over to lay comfortably on his back. “Is he a Lannister now or something?” Changbin barked out a laugh, shaking his head.

 

“He might murder me in my sleep actually, since he’s so stressed.”

 

“About what?” Seungmin leaned on his elbows, eyebrow quirking.

 

Changbin gave him a pointed look. “About you.”

 

“Me?”

 

He nodded. “Obviously dumb ass.” Changbin waved a hand. “He’s mad I get to see you but he can’t.” Seungmin groaned, falling back on the bed. “On that note though. What’s up?”

 

Glancing up at the older, Seungmin shot him a questioning look.

 

Changbin sighed, shaking his head. “Have you figured anything else out?”

 

Ah. There it was. Seungmin flinched at the question, fingers curling around the sheet below. With a silent plea, he eyed the older slowly, hoping he wouldn’t pry.

 

“Seungmin we have to talk about this.”

 

With a dejected sigh, he shuffled to sit cross legged, head hanging. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot.” Changbin locked his phone and spun on the chair, watching the younger intently. Seungmin cleared his throat before adding, “Ever since I was younger, I knew something was different – something I felt wasn’t _normal_.” He swallowed hard, fingers picking at a stray string frayed on the blanket. “There was this boy, Yugyeom, he was in my grade during middle school.” He thought back to the time when things were easy, things _without_ Jinyoung. It was nice. “He really liked to dance, and he was so good at it. And I loved watching him.” Seungmin sighed. “We were best friends for years, closer than ever. I knew the love I held for him was stronger than my love for our other friends, but I didn’t think anything of it at the time.” He thought for a second before adding in a small voice, “I didn’t say anything.”

 

“Where is he now?” Changbin asked, chin on his palm.

 

“I don’t know.” Seungmin shrugged. “When my mom married Mr. Park, I had to move. We tried to keep in contact, talking over SNS and texting, but he got busy, and I got busy.” Changbin hummed in response, waiting. “When I was 9 I finally told him, how I felt. I wrote a long, handwritten letter and mailed it to him.” Seungmin clenched his fist, knuckles going white. “But it was sent back. Opened and resealed.”

 

“Seungmin I’m sor-”

 

“My brother was the one who found it. Jinyoung? He’d opened the letter and read it aloud during a family dinner.” Seungmin flinched at the memory, eyes shut tight. “My step-fathers reaction was pure anger, _disgust_ , disapproval. My mother didn’t say a word, just ate her food and sat. But Jinyoung.” Seungmin rubbed his wrist, fingers ghosting over the bruises long since faded. “He’d grabbed my arm, dragged me to my room, and screamed, yelled in my face, he uh-” Seungmin choked on the lump in his throat, holding back tears with a shaky voice.

 

“Wait, Minnie. Did he-?”

 

Seungmin rolled up his sleeves. Changbin gasped. Seungmin flinched when Changbin shot off the chair, legs folding under his body as he jumped on the bed in front of the younger, eyes wide. “Who did this?” Changbin’s eyes were scanning the exposed skin of Seungmin’s forearms, fingers barely touching, but grip firm on his hands.

 

Where his normally pale skin should stretch over his muscles and bones was deathly white skin covered in splotchy marks of varying colors, some blue and purple, others greenish yellow and fading. They expanded from the middle of his forearms well passed where his shirt sleeves still covered. Changbin could only speculate how far up these marks go, how much they cover and to what intensity. He was shaking as Changbin’s fingers ghosted a particularly dark bruise near his elbow, touch feather light and still causing the younger to wince from the contact.

 

It felt like a millennia before Seungmin’s voice filled the room again, much quieter this time. “Jinyoung like’s to uh – He likes to _play_ around with me, at least that’s what he tells mom.” Seungmin shrugs off Changbin’s hands, flinching from the contact. “The names don’t bug me anymore, not really anyway. And I’ve learned ways to heal the bruises faster, so I’m fine.” His smile is forced, lips stretched thin against his face. Changbin lets out an incredulous laugh, eyes narrowing.

 

“I’m going to fucking kill him.” His voice isn’t raised, but low and raspy, dripping in so much malice it makes the younger flinch back involuntarily. “I swear to god, I will fucking murder him.”

 

“No!” Seungmin lunges at Changbin’s retreating form, arms latching painfully around his waist. “Please don’t say anything!” His voice is muffled from the olders jacket, but Changbin stops, breathing heavy.

 

He feels Changbin turn in his grasp, arms reaching down to pull the other into a tight but gentle embrace. “Minnie, we _need_ to tell someone. What he’s done.. What he’s _doing_. It isn’t right. You aren’t safe.” Changbin has his fingers on Seungmin’s jaw, eyes boring into his.

 

“You can’t tell anyone Changbin!” A tear burns its way down his cheek, Changbin following it slowly. “Please.”

 

Minutes pass, the air tense around them, but Seungmin is determined, and Changbin can’t go against that face – for lack of his better judgment.

 

“Ok. Ok, I won’t say anything.” He makes a cross over his heart. “I promise.”

 

__

 

Seungmin goes back to school the following Monday, mind still reeling from the revelations, from the truth he bestowed on the heart of his friend – would it be weird to consider Changbin his best friend when Changbin might not think the same? Seungmin shakes his head from the thoughts, mind a mess as he walks through the halls, ear phones in and music loud. He didn’t really _want_ to be here, body still exhausted from the turmoil, from the constant abuse, and the weight of Changbin’s heavy stare, but Seungmin knew he needed to keep up his studies.

 

“Seungmin?!”

 

The voice was loud enough to be heard _over_ the belting lyrics of _Congratulations_ , but not enough for Seungmin to distinguish who it really belonged to, or where it came from.

 

Till a hand was on his shoulder, and an arm was around his waist.

 

Seungmin knew Hyunjin’s presence easily, knew his hands well, could pinpoint every detail on his head without a second thought. So it wasn’t a surprise when his body naturally relaxed into the hold of the older, who’s other arm looped around and was now holding his body flush against his chest. Seungmin felt Changbin’s presence to the side, somewhere to the left, with another pair of feet beside him – probably Felix. He didn’t miss the flitting look of worry that crossed the older’s features, nor did Changbin miss the wince from Seungmin when Hyunjin hugged his ribs a little too hard.

 

“Ok, ok. I think that’s enough.” Changbin cut through the silence, prying Hyunjin’s arms off Seungmin’s frame easily. Hyunjin pouted, stomping his feet and whining.

 

“But why! Minnie is back and I missed him!” His voice was shrill, overly high tuned to match his equally childlike behavior, and, had Seungmin not been nursing fresh bruises from a _play date_ with Jinyoung last night, he would’ve laughed at the whole ordeal. But his ribs were burning, and his head was throbbing, so Seungmin nodding in thanks to the oldest of their gathered group and bid farewell, rushing quickly to the nearest bathroom to catch his breath.

 

A _thunk_ echoed through the room, Seungmin decided against looking up in hopes it was a random peer just using the bathroom.

 

But when was his luck in his favor?

 

“Would you look at that.” Seungmin froze. He knew that voice – he knew it well enough to pinpoint it exactly in a room full of people. The figure sauntered forward, finger running along the expanse of granite counter top between the wall and where Seungmin stood. “Haven’t seen you around _Seungmin_ _nie_.”

 

He swallowed hard, steeling his nerves and trying not to flinch when the finger ran up his arm, then over his shoulders. He involuntarily flinched when the nail attached to the finger scratched his exposed nape slowly, roughly. Seungmin let a whimper escape his lips when he felt the sting, but clamped his mouth shut and breathed deeply.

 

The voice was right beside his ear when the culprit spoke again. “I’ve missed our little _dates_ Minnie. Why have you been avoiding me and Bammie?”

 

Seungmin swallowed the lump in his throat and responded. “I’ve been sick,” He coughed for good measure, wincing at the pain blossoming on his ribs. “You can ask Jinyoung. I’ve been on bed rest for the past few weeks.”

 

The fingers on his nape curled around and up into the back of his head, tugging on his hair and yanking his head back with a yelp. “I’m _asking_ you.”

 

“Chan please.” Seungmin whimpered, eyes clenched tight as he felt the others hand roam his torso, splaying across his flat stomach.

 

The voice – _Chan’s_ voice – was raspy and deep as it tickled Seungmin’s neck, hot air hitting the sensitive areas otherwise hidden from the world. “You know I love it when you beg, _baby_.” Chan’s hand traveled to the side, landing on the youngers hip before squeezing slightly, groaning when Seungmin flinched and whimpered again. His breath was hot against Seungmin’s neck, lips ghosting over the skin. “ _God.”_ Chan pulled back, before turning Seungmin on his heel, capturing his face in his hands before pushing forward to kiss him hungrily. Lips against his own in a bruising pace, teeth and tongue grazing over his own, eliciting more whimpers from Seungmin, causing Chan to groan every time.

 

“I’ve missed doing-”

 

“Seungmin?”

 

Seungmin gasped at the new voice, pushing Chan away quickly before glancing at the – now open – door, jaw dropping when his eyes land on Hyunjin’s shocked expression. “Hyunjin? What are you doing here?”

 

Hyunjin shook his head, regaining focus but still watching the pair wearily. “I came to find you. You ran away pretty quick, so I figured I made you uncomfortable with my hug?” Hyunjin trailed off, glaring slightly at the stranger beside Seungmin. He thought for a second before adding. “Who’s this?”

 

Chan growled, from being interrupted, or from what Hyunjin said, but before Seungmin could make a peep, the older threw an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close and squeezing _hard_. Seungmin bit his tongue to avoid crying out, choosing not to glance up at the angry expression lacing Chan’s normally laid back features. “What’s up mate? I’m Chan.” He threw a hand out for Hyunjin, not waiting for him to shake it before pulling it back quickly. “I’m Seungmin’s boyfriend. How do you know him?”

 

Seungmin didn’t miss the flash of pure hurt that crossed Hyunjin’s face, but it was quick and fleeting, hidden behind a tight smile and a shrug. “He’s my classmate. He’s been sick for a little while so I was just checking on him.” Seungmin could pinpoint the venom lacing Hyunjin’s tone, could follow his cold eyes staring at Chan’s arm still draped over Seungmin’s shoulder. He wanted to reach out, to run to his side and tell him Chan was lying, that Chan was using him, but Chan’s grip on his shoulder tighten like he’d heard his thoughts, before grinning at the boy still standing in the doorway.

 

“Well thanks for the concern, but I’m sure my Minnie is alright now, right?” Chan questioned, turning the attention to Seungmin for the first time since Hyunjin walked in.

 

Seungmin froze. Now was his time to say something – _anything –_ to tell Hyunjin just what Chan was doing, what Jinyoung was doing, what lies beneath his larger sweaters, and what happens late at night. But the more Seungmin thought about it, thought about the pure smile of Hyunjin, the hearty laugh he’d grown to really love, Seungmin couldn’t take that away. And he knew that if Hyunjin got too close, Seungmin would only hurt him. He was already pressing his luck with being so close with Changbin. So Seungmin inhaled slowly, eyes tracing the tiles of the floor before he finally spoke. “Hyunjin, this is Bang Chan. He’s a senior, friends with Jinyoung.” He heard the sharp intake, could feel the tension rise, before he quietly added. “And my boyfriend.”

 

Seungmin felt Chan retract his arm, choosing rather to clasp his hands together as he barked out a laugh, taking a step towards Hyunjin. “So what was that about hugging my boyfriend?”

 

Hyunjin turned on his heel and took off out of the bathroom, but not before Seungmin caught a stray tear falling down his cheek.

 

__

 

“What the fuck Seungmin?”

 

Seungmin flinched at the raised voice, ducking his head and whimpering involuntarily. Changbin quickly apologized, sitting across from him and taking a deep breathe. Seungmin waited till the older calmed down before looking up, biting his lip and hoping his puppy dog eyes would waver Changbin’s resolve.

 

They did not work.

 

“Seriously Seungmin. What happened?” Changbin asked again, albeit being calmer, Seungmin still flinched.

 

“What do you mean?” He decided to go back to writing his paper, trying – and failing – to catch up on homework he’d missed during his leave. Changbin hadn’t been able to bring him tests or reports he needed to do in classes they didn’t share, so he was on his own with a pile of stuff to do. “I’m trying to finish this. Can we talk later?”

 

Changbin scoffed. “We can talk about how you screwed over Hyunjin like an asshole later.” Seungmin winced at the words, but continued writing. “What I want to talk about,” Changbin shifted, catching the youngers eyes in his own before adding, “is what the fuck Hyunjin mentioned earlier.”

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Seungmin shot back, looking away.

 

Changbin laughed, it sounded strained, like he was fighting himself to keep even slightly calm – for Seungmin’s sake. “He said he walked in on you and _your boyfriend_?” Changbin sounded incredulous, scoffing and shaking his head. “What in the fuck Seungmin?” He scratched the back of his head as he rambled, clearly frustrated. “I was with you less than a week ago! You said you had feelings for Hyunjin! Why didn’t you mention anything then?”

 

Seungmin sighed, finally putting down his pencil. Without looking up, he began. “I’m not _technically_ dating Chan.” Changbin’s mouth snapped close with an audible click, eyes wide. “He’s friends with Jinyoung. So he comes over often. He’s been coming over for _years_ Binnie.” Seungmin’s voice was small, so quiet and incredibly forced. “He was the first person to show interest in me, as more than just a punching bag.” He didn’t miss how Changbin flinched at the name, eyes softening. “I admit I had a crush on Chan, but uh-” Seungmin swallowed hard, blinking rapidly to avoid tears. “Something happened. Now he just takes, and takes.”

 

Changbin cracked his knuckles, grinding his teeth to avoid yelling. “Just say no Minnie!”

 

“I can’t!” Seungmin finally cried, tears spilling out quickly. “I can’t just say no anymore Changbin! He gets what he wants, _when_ he wants, wherever he wants.” Seungmin shuddered, squeezing his eyes shut tight. “It’s like with Jinyoung Binnie, I can’t just one day decide I don’t want to put up with this anymore.”

 

Changbin scoffs again, jumping up and pacing. “Yes you fucking can Seungmin! You need to stop beating yourself up for wanting a _change_ , for wanting to be _safe_!”

 

“Changbin I can’t!”

 

“Seungmin please!” Changbin knelt in front of the younger, hands on his knees, squeezing slightly before catching his eyes in his. “You need to take care of yourself sooner or later. Preferably before Jinyoung beats you to death, or you up and commit suicide from all the abuse.” Seungmin sniffles, closing his eyes and breathing heavily. “Please Minnie. I want you around, for a long time.” Changbin was running soothing circles on his knees, unknowingly running over fading bruises, but the comfort still seeped into Seungmin’s soul. “I know Felix would be devastated, along with Jisungie and Minho – regardless of how you both skirt around one another super awkwardly.” Seungmin laughed, sniffling and rubbing his nose with the back of his hand. Changbin smiled as he added, “Plus Hyunjin would probably burn down the whole world in revenge for taking away his _precious_ Minnie.”

 

Seungmin sighed, breathing still uneven. “I still can’t just say no Binnie.” He shook his head, eyes shut tight. “Jinyoung _lives_ with me. Chan is always there. Bambam is even worse than Jinyoung when it comes to emotional abuse.” Changbin shakes his head, fingers still rubbing circles.

 

“We can fight them Minnie. You just need to try.”

 

Seungmin huffed, shaking his head. “It’s a losing battle Binnie. Please just let it go.” Changbin opens his mouth to retort before closing it, letting out a shaky breath before standing and nodding. “Maybe I should’ve just stayed away.”

 

__

 

“Oh Minnie!” Seungmin flinched at the voice, turning slightly from where he was walking up the stairs to his room. His eyes caught Chan’s gaze, eyes following his hand that was waving him over. “Come sit with me babe.”

 

Jinyoung scoffed, one leg folded over another as he rolled his eyes. “I don’t see why you need to do that here Chan.”

 

“Because Minnie is just so cute, isn’t he?” Chan retorts, giggling and waving more. Seungmin shook his head, pointing upstairs.

 

“I have a ton of homework from being sick, sorry.” He turned on his heel to take off back to his safe haven before another voice broke through his senses.

 

“He’s probably going to cut himself or something. Maybe actually kill himself this time.” It was Bambam who spoke this time, his voice cutting deep into Seungmin’s resolve. With a heaved sigh, Seungmin took the first few steps, trying – and failing – to ignore the onslaught of abuse. “Maybe he finally realizes how worthless he really is? I mean, like really,” Bambam sips his drink, tongue dripping venom as he adds, “who would care about something like him.”

 

“Something?” It was Chan who asks, voice playful. Seungmin gulps, failing to force his legs to ascend the stairs quicker.

 

“Oh you know,” Bambam snorts, “A _faggot_.”

 

Seungmin flinched, stubbing his toe against the top step and tripping onto the landing. He heard the boys laugh from where they sat, still commenting on Bambam’s remark, before he quickly took off to his room, slamming the door and locking it tight. Leaning against it with a heavy breath, Seungmin heaves out a sigh, throwing his drained body on the bed and closing his eyes tight.

 

__

 

He must’ve fallen asleep at some point, because the next thing Seungmin knew there was a pressure moving up the bed, dipping it with added weight. Seungmin was groggy from sleep, eyes failing to adjust to the complete darkness around him. He groaned and rolled over.

 

Right into the hard chest of someone else.

 

“Who?” Seungmin mumbled, rubbing his eyes in an attempt to clear his blurry vision.

 

“Shhh.” Seungmin stiffened, almost completely awake now, the voice velvety against his ears as he tried to push away. A laugh echoes through the room, bouncing off the walls and piercing his ear drums like a thousand needles. “Relax Minnie, it’s just me.”

 

Chan’s hands roamed his body, nose rubbing against his cheek as Seungmin laid there, body stiff and heart racing.

 

“Chan, go away.” His voice wavered. He felt Chan smile against his neck as he placed open mouth kisses on the exposed skin, sloppy, wet and messy. Seungmin shivered from the cool air hitting the saliva, angling his head to block his neck from view. But Chan ravaged the other side, licking up his neck till he hit right behind his ear. Seungmin whined, back arching into Chan as he smirked, nibbling against the sensitive skin there.

 

“You say go away, but your body is so hot from my touches, right?” Chan’s hands roamed down, running up and down Seungmin’s sides, reaching down to duck under his loose shirt. Seungmin inhaled sharply from the contact, Chan’s cool hands soothing against his burning skin – from the bruises, Seungmin tries to remind himself – and bucks into the contact. Chan continues his groping, fingers dancing across Seungmin’s tummy and giggling when Seungmin inhales and lets out a breathy laugh. “See? You like this.” Chan says, a little breathless. Seungmin whines, focus coming back slightly as he tries to wiggle away from his hold.

 

“Chan I said no. Please.” Seungmin placed his palms against Chan’s chest, using whatever strength he could muster, he pushed Chan off, eyes widening when Chan fumbles off the bed with a _thunk_.

 

“What the fuck Seungmin?!” Chan shouted, body looming over the side of the bed, hair a mess and eyes bright.

 

“I said no!” Seungmin bit back, backing into the corner with a pillow. “Leave me alone!”

 

Chan smirked, something dark sparking in his heated gaze. “No?” Chan kneels on the bed. “You’ve never said no to me before.” His voice was playful, his gaze dark. He inched forward, fingers dancing across the sheet. Seungmin pulled further away, heart thumping painfully against his ribs.

 

“Well I’m s-starting now.” His voice was wavering, his resolve was dying, his focus was muffled. Seungmin was terrified. He normally dove deep into his mind during nights like this, burying deep into his subconscious until the whole ordeal was done, choosing rather to get so lost within himself than to deal with the reality of what was happening. But his body was too rigid, his mind was too focused. Seungmin was present, in the here and now, and he was shit scared of what was going to happen.

 

Chan continued to move forward at a snails pace, grin wicked as he analyzed Seungmin. He quirked a brow, watching. “Is this maybe because of that Hyunmon guy from the other day?”

 

“ _Hyunjin_.” Seungmin corrected, voice just above a growl.

 

Chan cackled, fingers dancing across the bed towards Seungmin’s toes. “ _My bad_.” He didn’t sound too worried, but before Seungmin could make even a notion to respond, he felt Chan’s fingers curl around his ankle before he yanks Seungmin down to the other side of the bed, Chan’s body hovering over his as he yelped. Seungmin threw his hands up, pushing them against Chan’s chest once more, but from this angle and position, Seungmin could get no leeway to overpower him once more, plus Chan seemed to brace for the impact, steeling his muscles against the force. “Not this time baby.” Chan dips down to capture Seungmin’s lips in his own again, hungry for more, dragging his tongue across Seungmin’s bottom lip, but when Seungmin wouldn’t open, he used his teeth next, causing a whimper to dance around their enclosed mouths, swallowed by Chan’s ferocious mouth.

 

Chan finally pulls back, only a few inches to breathe, but he leans his head against Seungmin’s and whispers. “Now, if you let anyone else touch you like I do,” He leaned down, licking the shell of Seungmin’s ear as he adds, “I will personally ruin everything, for both of you guys.”

 

Seungmin cried out, pushing against Chan’s hard chest. “No! Leave Hyunjin out of this!”

 

Chan chuckles as he catches Seungmin’s wrist, pinning them over his head and pulling them tight. “Hyunjin will stay out of this if you stay away from him.” Chan moves his hands to only need one to pin Seungmin’s down, while the other one roams down, and down, ghosting over the skin right above Seungmin’s shorts.

 

“You’re mine, Seungmin.” Chan leans down to kiss him again, pulling back to add a quick, “You will forever be mine.”

 

Seungmin felt a tear escape as he bit his lip, eyes shut tight and mind too muddled to wander far from here.

 

__

 

Seungmin wandered the halls in a daze, mind a muddled mess, body stiff and sore. His legs still shook when he spent too long standing, his lower back in a forever sore state, no matter what he did to ease the tension. No matter how many times Chan would come over, Seungmin was never _this sore_. Seungmin knew he fucked up, knew he pissed off the older. It’s why, even 3 days later, Seungmin was still wincing when he took a seat in class, whining when gym class rolled around, and cried out when someone bumped into him a little too forcefully.

 

Not that anyone but Jinyoung, Bambam or Chan would be the ones to do so, but still.

 

The biggest problem Seungmin was facing right now though, wasn’t the sore body, but the purplish red hickeys littering his neck, making an obscene necklace that marked territory over lust and love. On the next day, Seungmin caught Hyunjin glaring holes at the markings, but when he’d caught Seungmin looking at him, his gaze narrowed and he stormed off. Seungmin huffed at the whole ordeal, further trying to convince himself that he needed to distance himself from the other.

 

It was the best.

 

An arm draped over his shoulder before Seungmin could even notice, the weight enough to cause a small whimper of pain from the younger, eyes screwed tight to ease the pain. He felt the arm retract before a voice filled his ears.

 

“Shit, Minnie. I’m sorry!” Changbin was at his side, hands up in surrender, avoiding touching the other in hopes of avoiding any further pain. “Are you ok?”

 

Seungmin nodded, wincing at the muscles in his neck pulling, before shooting a small smile at the older. “Haven’t seen you these past few days, what’s up?” He avoided his eyes, looking down and rubbing his neck slowly.

 

“Yeah, Felix was sick so I’ve been taking care of him.” Changbin replied, eyes searching the other. “What happened to you Minnie?” Seungmin was caught off guard by the question, which in turn made him look up and stare at the older in question.

 

Which exposed his neck to the older.

 

Changbin gasped. “Jesus fuck Seungmin. What happened!?” Changbin was shouting now, students passing by glancing sideways at the commotion. Seungmin tried to silence the older, but Changbin kept heaving out excuses, glaring at the younger till he jerked his head towards the doors leading to the courtyard.

 

“Everyone’s in class by now. Let’s go.” Seungmin didn’t wait till Changbin followed, simply taking off in the direction of the furthest table by the big tree, his favorite spot during the spring when it was still too chilly for some, but also too sunny for others. Seungmin sits, wincing and groaning as he pulled a leg under him. Changbin quirked a brow, but ignored Seungmin’s indication to sit, choosing rather to stand and wait. Seungmin sighed, rubbing soft circles into his temples as he tried to calm the increasing headache that was brewing.

 

“Well?”

 

“Well what Changbin?” Seungmin snapped, gritting his teeth.

 

“What happened Seungmin?” Changbin asked, voice a little quieter, but bite still evident.

 

“What do you _think_ happened Changbin?” Seungmin’s voice was defiant, fighting, red hot and burning, but his eyes were glossy, his lip trembling, his posturing faltering as he heaved a sigh. Inhaling a shaky breath, he closed his eyes and simply stated a reply. “Chan happened.”

 

Changbin grit his teeth, groaning and running his fingers through his already messy hair. “I told you to tell him no Minnie!”

 

Seungmin scoffed. “I did!” Changbin froze. “Why do you think he did this!?” He points to his neck, pulling his collar down lower to expose even more marks, in varying sizes and severity. Changbin’s mouth went dry, blood gone cold as he scans the marks, watches Seungmin wince as he moves his body in slow, careful movements.

 

“What else did he do?” Changbin didn’t want the answer. He already knew the answer. But he didn’t want the confirmation.

 

Seungmin just shook his head, wiping the tears that were slowly falling from his closed eyes. “Just don’t worry about it Binnie.”

 

“Screw that! Screw him.” Changbin knelt in front of Seungmin again, both feeling a bit of deja vu. “I’m glad you finally said no, but I’m so sorry this happened.” Changbin leaned his head in Seungmin’s lap, trying to focus on breathing steady so he wouldn’t cry also.

 

After a few silent moments, Seungmin’s voice cut through the wind, quiet and composed. “He told me if I got Hyunjin involved, he’d do this to both of us. Or worse.”

 

Changbin scoffed, shaking his head. “If he lays even a finger on Hyunjin, I’ll personally kill him.” Seungmin laughed, the sound garbled and broken. Changbin’s gaze softens, fingers tracing the outline of a fading mark on his collarbone. “I wish I could help you Minnie. I feel so useless.”

 

Seungmin shrugged and shook his head, wringing his fingers together painfully. “It’s fine Binnie. I have a plan to deal with all of this.”

 

The older perked up at the insinuation, a smile breaking through the surface. “Oh yeah?” Seungmin nods, eyes on his fingers. “What is it? Can I help?”

 

“Ah, not really. It’s mostly a self path thing.” Seungmin muttered, toying with the string of his hoodie. “I need to do this by myself.”

 

Changbin nodded, fingers carding through his hair slowly as they sat in silence.

 

__

 

2 weeks later, and Seungmin was seated on the edge of his bed, leg bouncing a mile a minute, mind everywhere, mouth busy chewing on his nails as he waited. Today was the day no one was home. Jinyoung had a swim meet, which both their parents had insisted to attend, ‘ _it’s for good luck!’_ Seungmin scoffed at the ridiculous idea, shaking his head and failing to clear his mind. For once, Seungmin had managed to convince his mother he could stay by himself.

 

For once, Seungmin was all alone.

 

And he couldn’t be happier.

 

He dragged his laptop downstairs, hooked up his dusty water speakers and blasted iKON and Day6, dancing around like a maniac. He laughed, messed around, tripped over his own foot and fell face first into the hardwood floor, all the while laughing like a madman. This was a really rare day for him, a day where he didn’t feel the constant darkness tickling the back of his mind, or had the looming worry causing him to stumble, to fall, to shy away and wince from loud noises.

 

Today, Seungmin felt free.

 

And today was the day Seungmin would free himself from the pain, from the abuse, from the torture.

 

He danced around, gathering tools and setting up a peaceful place. He’d gone out a week prior and restocked pain meds to ease the sting, and a new set of razor, the edges sharp and lethal. He gathered up everything, laptop and speakers included, and bound up the stairs, to his personal bathroom and slowly set everything up. A bottle of water gulped down, a few too many pills swallowed, Seungmin enjoyed the hazy bits of his vision, the fuzzy feeling of his mind drowning in synthetic goo. He ran a bath, set up his laptop just to the side so he could still control what music was playing, because regardless of all the things he couldn’t control in his life – music was the only thing he could, and he will take that right to the grave.

 

When everything was set up, and I Need Somebody was echoing off the walls, Seungmin took a deep breath, and sat there.

 

And began to cry.

 

The tears rolled down, burned tracks into his cheeks as they fell. It was a welcome sting, a liberating pain. Because it was this pain, this finale, that would end all his other pain, and Seungmin couldn’t be more ready.

 

_But what about Hyunjin?_ His mind was screaming the question, over and over. He groaned, ruffling his hair as he searched for his phone, hoping to come up with an excuse before he finds it on why he shouldn’t text the other.

 

But his mind had other ideas. Because as soon as his fingers grasped the cool surface of his device, Hyunjin’s number was dialing and the call was connecting.

 

“ _Hello?”_

 

Seungmin froze. He hadn’t talked to Hyunjin in almost 3 weeks. Since Chan marked him his, and Hyunjin would only glare from across the hall. _It’s better this way_ his mind supplies, but here he was, tears rolling freely, shoulders shaking, not thinking twice about who to call in his final moments.

 

“ _Hello? Seungmin?”_

 

Hyunjin sounded annoyed, probably wondering why Seungmin was bothering him all of a sudden. Most people would react this way, right? Seungmin sniffled, and brought the phone up to his ear, mumbling a quiet hello.

 

“ _What do you want Seungmin?”_

 

He held back a whimper at the cold tone, insisting to himself that he deserved this. This harsh treatment. Hyunjin deserved better. He clenched his phone between his ear and his shoulder, before standing and turning, kicking a leg up to dip a toe in the lukewarm water.

 

“ _I don’t have all day man. Do you need something or not, cause I can just-”_

 

“I’m sorry.” Seungmin lowered his body slowly into the water, wincing at the temperature change. All of his bruises had faded completely, so when his white shirt was soaked through, Seungmin could see the clear skin of his chest, without a mark in sight. It was refreshing. Empowering.

 

He heard Hyunjin sigh over the phone, probably rubbing circles on his forehead like he does when he’s stressed.

 

“ _For what?”_

 

“Everything.”

 

Hyunjin barked out a laugh, slightly muffled from the receiver. _“You’re gonna have to narrow it down Seungmin. There’s a lot of shit you’ve done.”_

 

“I know. Which is why I’m sorry for everything.” Seungmin’s voice was wavering, his hands were shaking as they searched for his razors. He was trying to keep up the conversation without a hitch, but he didn’t really except Hyunjin to be this angry with him still. _Guess that’s what you get for being so stupid, huh?_ He spotted the package of them sitting on the edge of the sink.

 

Across the room.

 

With a silent plea, Seungmin shifted to reach for it with his free hand, water splashing loudly around him.

 

“ _What was that? Did you call me while you were taking a bath? Who does that?!”_ Hyunjin’s voice was shrill, like when he whines. Seungmin tried not to laugh, but instead choked on the sound and cleared his throat.

 

“Of sorts.” He held his breath, opening the package and playing with the cool metal of a blade in his fingertips slowly, eyes dazed as they spot the hyper sharp edge.

 

“ _Seungmin?”_

 

“Huh?” Shit. Hyunjin asked him something and he wasn’t listening. Good job idiot.

 

“ _I asked why you called me, space cadet.”_ He seemed to think for a second before adding, _“Besides apologizing.”_

 

Seungmin didn’t hold back the laugh this time, instead using the sound to mask his sharp intake of breath from the razor digging into his skin. He’d hoped Hyunjin couldn’t tell, too busy covering his ears from Seungmin’s boisterous laugh.

 

But he was wrong.

 

“ _Seungmin? Are you ok?”_

 

Seungmin groaned lowly. His wrist was burning, his skin was heated, his mind was slipping as his focus was draining with each drop of blood staining the water crimson. He didn’t respond, just hummed and leaned back, closing his eyes.

 

“ _Seungmin I’m serious. What’s going on?”_

 

Seungmin hummed again, cracking an eye open slightly to glance around. The water surrounding him was tinged pink. The gaping wound on his wrist still slowly oozing blood. With incredible effort, and an audible whimper, Seungmin shifted arms and switched his phone to his other shoulder, freeing up his left hand.

 

“ _SEUNGMIN ANSWER ME!”_ Hyunjin sounded desperate. Seungmin couldn’t figure out why.

 

His fingers dug the blade into the soft skin of his wrist on the other arm, wincing and groaning when the razor bites the flesh, the drag smooth but the burn instant.

 

“ _Shit. Seungmin please talk to me. You’re scaring me.”_

 

“I’m really sorry Jinnie. I really did love you.” Seungmin felt his head start to spin, his grip around the blade slipped, the shiny metal reprieve dropping into the now darker red water. His tongue felt like lead, his eyes drooping with every labored breath. Holding up his phone was taking up so much energy, and he knew within minutes his strength would give out and he’d lose his phone into the water, damaging it beyond repair.

 

This was his last chance.

 

“ _Minnie? Minnie please. I’m sorry I’ve been so distant. Please. You’re scaring me. Ple-”_

 

“Hyunjin.” Seungmin could’ve sworn he heard a sniffle, but he chalked it up to the blood loss. “Hwang Hyunjin.”

 

“ _Yes?”_

 

“I’m sorry you ever sat at my table.” Seungmin winced as he shifted, eyes drifting closed. “I’m sorry I decided to be friends with you that day.” He took a labored breath, wincing as air struggled to fill his lungs. He was running out of time, and strength. “I’m sorry I fell in love with you.”

 

Hyunjin sniffled through the receiver, Seungmin smiled small at the cute sound. _“Why are you sorry for that Minnie? You know I love you too, right? Don’t you?”_

 

Seungmin nodded, not enough energy to speak. His phone was slipping. He was out of time.

 

“Tell Changbin my plan was a success.”

 

He smiled as his phone slide off his shoulder, splashing as it dropped into the deep red water. Seungmin inhaled slowly, then let it out even slower, his mind reeling back to the smiling faces of the 4 boys who called him friends.

 

He was finally happy.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know if I did poorly, or if I made it a little too graphic.  
> I'm a recovering self harmer, and I found writing about it made it easier to deal with the flurry of thoughts in my mind. Though that might not work with everyone, it's how I cope. 
> 
> Drop me comments! Kudos! Tell me if I'm horrible and need to go die lol. I'll be down to respond to whatever.


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